but if you love someone and you break up. where does the love go?

Have you ever had that moment when you break up and you feel like a part of you left with them?

You’ve spent so much time trying to make this relationship perfect that you don’t know who you are without them anymore.

Well I promise you its okay to feel that way, many people had, including me, and you’ll get through it perfectly if you take the time to.

"But if you love someone and you break up. Where does the love go?" This poignant question captures the essence of the emotional turmoil that follows the end of a romantic relationship. Love, a powerful and transformative emotion, doesn't simply vanish when a relationship ends.

It would be too simple.

Instead, it forces you to go on a complex journey, evolving and getting to know yourself again.

1. The Nature of Love

Persistence of love:

First off, let's settle that it is TOTALLY OKAY to feel bad for a couple of days, weeks, or whatever time you need. There is no universal answer to how long a heartbreak lasts. We all feel things differently, we all need different things, and depending on the context, we will have a harder time getting past this.

When a romantic relationship ends, the love shared between partners doesn't disappear overnight. Love, unlike other emotions, leaves a lasting imprint on the heart and mind. It can persist as a lingering sentiment, a fond memory, or even a painful reminder of what was lost. The depth and nature of the love experienced influence how it evolves post-breakup.

Psychological Perspectives:

From a psychological standpoint, love is processed in both the brain and the heart. Neurological studies show that romantic love activates brain regions associated with reward and pleasure, explaining why breakups can feel like withdrawal from an addictive substance. The emotional brain, including areas like the amygdala and hippocampus, retains the memories and emotional impact of the relationship, making it difficult to let go of the feelings associated with a former partner.

2. Different Love type

From Romantic to Platonic:

After a breakup, romantic love can transform into a different kind of love, such as friendship. This transition isn't always smooth or immediate, but with time and mutual effort, ex-partners can develop a new, platonic relationship. This form of love is rooted in shared experiences and mutual respect, allowing individuals to maintain a connection without the romantic element.

Unrequited Love:

A lot of people may not talk about it, but heartbreak does not only affect those who just went through a relationship break up.

Being rejected by someone you secretly loved for a certain amount of time can hurt just as much as an actual break up. You have to let go of the fantasy you’ve been dreaming of and that without experiencing the bad sides of the actual relationship. It leaves you only with the imagination of the good parts which makes it even harder to get over with.

When love isn't reciprocated, it can lead to a period of mourning and self-discovery. This process, though painful, often results in an amazing personal growth, increased resilience, and a deeper understanding of one's emotional needs and setting boundaries.

Friendship breakups:

If you have ever experienced it, you know that friendship breakups hurts just as much as an actual breakup if not even more.

It is not talked about enough, but best friend’s relationship is so related to an actual love relationship.

It’s someone you tell everything to, someone you want to experience things with, share everything with. Its one of the person who knows you the best and who is always there when things aren’t all pink and joyful.

Your best friend knows you and your pain better than anyone in the world. That’s also why a lot of people search for friendship in the relationship or fall in love with their best friend.

3. Healing and Letting Go

Grieving Process:

The stages of grief in a breakup parallel other forms of loss, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Understanding these stages can help you to navigate through your emotions more effectively. It's important to acknowledge and process each stage rather than suppressing feelings.

Now you might think, oh well, I’ll just pause my emotions for a bit and comeback to it later because it hurts too much right now (kind of like turning your humanity off as a Vampire Diaries character but sadly life does not work like that).

That would be a huge mistake, at least in my opinion.

Really being connected and in phase with your emotions will hurt, I’m not going to lie, but it will also makes you heal faster, where denial will leave you with permanent scars until you finally decides to let your emotions get you.

Pretended not to be affected and not thinking about what hunted you can leads to trust issues in your future relationship where you could:

• have troubles trusting someone will stay

• Have troubles opening up to someone

• Think you are not enough for someone to actually love you or want to stay in your life

And many more…

So my advice, work on yourself, you’re the only one that matter, and that loser letting you go should not be the cause for you to forget yourself in the process. You matter.

Coping Mechanisms:

Healthy coping mechanisms are crucial in dealing with lingering feelings of love. Therapy provides a safe space to explore emotions and gain insights (if you find a good one… let’s be honest).  Journaling can help articulate thoughts and track progress (and help you get a better mindset after all, its really important! Let me know if you’d want an article about it). Engaging in hobbies and new activities can distract from pain and introduce new sources of joy and fulfillment (it is also shown through studies that sport such as dancing, makes our body releases more of the happiness hormones serotonin and dopamine. Physical activity also lowers stress levels!

4. But where does the love go ?

Self-Love:

That’s where your love should go now!

Redirecting love towards yourself is essential after a breakup. This involves self-care, self-compassion, and the process of self-discovery. By focusing on personal growth and well-being, you’ll be able to rebuild your confidence and find contentment within yourself.

I’ll maybe write an article about that if you want to.

Future Relationships:

Previous love experiences shape future relationships and the capacity to love again. The lessons learned from past relationships contribute to emotional maturity and a clearer understanding of what you desires in a partner.

By knowing what you want and what you DON’T want, you enhances the ability to form a healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.

Which is what we want, right ?

Where the love actually go:

1. Self-Reflection and Growth:

   After a breakup, people often engage in self-reflection (which should always be the case in my opinion), examining their emotions, actions, and the dynamics of the relationship. This introspection leads to personal growth and a deeper understanding of themselves. The love once directed towards a partner may be redirected inward, fostering self-love and self-improvement.

2. Cherished Memories:

   Love can transform into cherished memories, where you look back fondly on the happy moments you once shared with someone. These memories, while bittersweet, serve as a testament to the positive aspects of the relationship. They become a part of your personal narrative, contributing to the tapestry of life experiences.

3. Residual Affection:

   In some cases, residual affection remains even after the relationship ends. This lingering love can manifest as a continued care and concern for the ex-partner's well-being. While the romantic aspect may have faded, a genuine wish for the other's happiness persists.

And that’s great ! As long as you also care for yourself and don’t wait on the hope for them to comeback.

I know it’s hard to really understand it completely (even if we all know it deep down), but you should definitely be with someone who respects you and who will be willing to fight for you as you would have for them. Not someone who gave up on you.

4. Emotional Healing:

   The process of emotional healing is essential in dealing with post-breakup love. This healing journey involves acknowledging the pain, processing the emotions, and gradually moving towards acceptance. Over time, the intensity of the love may diminish, allowing you to heal and open your heart to new possibilities.

Redirecting Love

1. New Relationships:

   Love has a remarkable capacity for renewal. After healing from a breakup, you may find yourself ready to love again. The love that once seemed lost finds a new home in a new relationship, enriched by the lessons learned from past experiences.

2. Platonic Love:

   Love can also be redirected towards platonic relationships, such as friendships and family bonds. These connections provide emotional support and companionship, helping you rebuild your lives post-breakup. The love shared with friends and family is an amazing source of strength and resilience.

At the end of the day, they are what matters the most. Your heart family, the one you choose.

3. Passions and Pursuits:

   Another way love transforms is through passions and pursuits. You may channel your emotions into hobbies, career goals, or creative endeavors. This redirection of love and energy leads to profound personal achievements and fulfillment which is, in my opinion, the most valuable and grateful source of accomplishment and love you can feel.

Conclusion

Love doesn’t disappear when a relationship ends; it transforms, taking on new forms and meanings.

It becomes a part of who we are, influencing our personal growth, relationships, and pursuits.

The journey of love after a breakup is complex and unique to everyone, but it ultimately leads to a deeper understanding yourself for the better.

Hopeful Note:

You don’t necessarily have to see your breakup as a bad thing. It may be hard at first, but with time I encourage you to see that breakups are just often bad timing and people who had to be in your life for a certain amount of time to teach you something about yourself.

It actually helps you becoming the better version of yourself.

Not everyone is meant to stay for a lifetime and that’s okay.

Cherish the good memories you have, and let go of the negativity, or even better, transforme it as something beautiful.

Can be into reinventing yourself, or if you’re like me, you can use it as a form of art to let it go and expressive feelings (through music, painting, writing… as long as it feels good to you, the possibilities are endless)